The Sickness

Well our first run of the flu hit the household this year, pretty good I would say considering the whole Pig oh sorry Swine Flu epidemic of 2010, no one in our house got a shot and we all survived. Well we got a little stomach bug, I say little because we have had far worse. Just when I thought we were all done with it, poor little Molly got it this morning. It is her first illness where she has had a fever. She is so sad looking, and it breaks my heart. She doesn't know why her tummy is doing what it's doing, and she is so very tired, and pale, and she doesn't want to be alone. My poor baby. It all started at ballet, everyone can try to deny it, but I know that is where it originated. Hey I would try to deny it to, if I were the one to bring it to class. I hate it when I get all accusatory that way, it's just hard when you have a big family and an illness is brought home and you know that every person you live with is going to get it. I have to blame somebody, someone has to be responsible for the sickness. But really it's just an illness and I shouldn't get angry at any one person for it.

Last summer we all got sick from the public pool, I know gross. I can remember looking all over the pool at all the people swimming there and thinking, it was probably him, or her, or that kid. I am so judgmental, it's absolutely ridiculous. I think that is a huge fault I have. One of many. One of the things that I am going to try to work on to be a better person. There is a woman in the homeschool group that I judge all the time, and I really shouldn't. How can you not judge someone who constantly wastes her resources and then begs for them back all the time. I just don't understand her. She is at least 45 years old and she is still a baby. Well I guess that is her sickness..

Well I have to keep this short because Molly will be whimpering for me.. and to Mom and Dad, I apologize in advance if you get our sickness, because in a moment of weakness I went to your house yesterday and probably left a sickly germ somewhere in your house.. I love you and I am sorry!

Letting go..

So I pondered this week anger, worry and hate, and letting go of it.. you see I have a really nasty neighbor, she does things to try to make our life more difficult.. So I thought I should get back at her, but you know, love thy neighbor and all that, I decided to just let it go, yes she will still be mean, and I will still be me. I am not vengeful, I am not spiteful and I do not hold onto bitterness, it just is such a waste of time in my ever so busy life.

My worry comes from all of our financial trouble this past year, I worry constantly, I have tried to let go in the past, but it always comes back and I lose sleep, or I get anxiety attacks. So I am going to just let go of my worry, I am going to let God worry for me and just let him take it away. I am not going to try I am just going to stop. Amen!

Well hate, I don't really have any, well maybe for this one sheep we have, I do hate her a little, she baas constantly even right after I feed her, so God if you are listening, could you just take away my hate for that nasty sheep.. Thanks!

I am really trying to get certain things strait in my life, I feel like I have to, with 5 kids and all these animals, and the garden and the home school, I feel like I really have to start trusting in God fully and let him help me with certain areas that need work. So I am trying to get organized, trying to be healthier, trying to be more even tempered, I am even trying to quit swearing. I have been saying applesauce, witch and some other creative words.. Life can always be better, a better me, a better home, a better attitude, better!

Park Day

So each Thursday is the homeschooling group park day, it's from 1 until about 4pm, at a park close by. It is something everyone at my house look forward to, including me. Today there were about 10 Moms and countless number of kids, I would say 25-30 kids, give or take. The Moms all hang out with the little babies under the shade of the ramada while the kids do a sport with Jenn or play on the playground, or just run around playing zombies or princesses, or whatever is on the agenda. It is quite a nice time all around.
I realized this week, that Moms for the most part, are really just girls at heart. We like to joke, just like when we were teenagers, we like to gross each other out, we like to talk about our significant other, we like to laugh and hug and compete and gossip, we like to have the best idea, or the best recipe, or the best weird story of the week, or the best place to buy organic produce, or the best tincture for curing baby rash. We are mostly all nice to each other, but there is always that underlying bitchiness that no woman can escape, even really old ones.

Cattiness, bitchiness, it's there at every stage of your life.

I felt it when a certain Mom at Romans preschool used to never talk to me, just in passing each other in the parking lot, she would ignore me, while saying hello to every other Mother in the school..
I felt it at Cliahs school last year, when the Moms in the cool clique would always be buddy-buddy and exclude me at all the school events.. I wasn't the only Mom who got snubbed...
I felt it from certain Mothers at the midwives office, Moms who thought they were so special because they were uber cool and wore there shirts so there bellies were showing or had dreadlocks and ignored all the regular average Mothers..
I felt it when there was gossip going around about a certain woman in a Mom group that everyone started to ignore, someone who was my friend, and I knew that if I didn't give up as a friend, I would soon join in exile. Just so you know, I did not give her up, I ended up giving up the group.. Why is that always the option to conflict? Choose sides and then give up someone.. it really is not very fair
I don't think men realize what a big bunch of girls women really are.. The only thing left would be for us to start pulling hair, or pushing our boobs up a little higher.. how about if we just claw each other like cats?

But that isn't why I go to park day.. I go to park day because I get to be a grown up with some other Moms and I get to get out and have a few laughs.. I just wish some of the cattiness that I witness would vanish, it's so high school, and I am 35 and just want to chillax at the park.. that being said ------ Park day rules!

So very busy..

Why does this life I love keep me so busy all the time? I am not going to complain, I mean this is MY life, so love it right? I want to start writing again, it has been such a long time. I used to write short stories, poems, my blog, now I just sit and do nothing. Well if you count gardening, farming, cleaning, cooking and laundry nothing, yes nothing.

I used to have a way with words, now here I am in a big trial of my life, well not really, but things have been tough, and I find myself being pulled back to those words. So I will try, to use words to heal myself, to make myself happier again. I am happy, I am just so one dimentional, like oh, what is for dinner? Those are the kinds of words I mutter every day, oh can you please clean up the living room? Did you give the chickens water? Is Molly awake? Where is Mayleen? Is Dad home? Shouldn't you be studying?

Well I want to enhance my spoken and written words, I want to increase my vocabulary and clean up my potty mouth. These are my goals, and they start today, I am more focused, more driven, and I am going to revamp myself.

Starting this week with my cleansing, I will start with this, what should I call it? Colleens Cleanse.. this week will be verbal, spiritual, next week physical, emotional. I am doing a liver cleanse next week, yes I know, ouch. But I have heard it can do wonderful things, so I will keep you posted, literally. Got to go, the kids just found me!